| I'm tired of simple exchanges.
Safe interactions.
"What are you up to?"
"How was your week(end)?"
I'm not patient enough to wait for development.
I want depth, I want insight, I want passion.
Open up, damn it. Let me in.
I want to talk about something interesting.
I'm so bored.
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| Hello old friend.
I don't really know what I planned on saying.
Except I think I may start writing again.
I don't know.
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| The weather during this time of year is gorgeous. Feeling the sun's warmth on my skin; noticing the first buds popping up from the plants; watching as the sun's rays hit the grass just right, making it glow the most vibrant green. Spring is my favorite time of year, even if it only last a couple weeks here in Las Vegas.
I only wish I had someone to spend it with.
I want to watch the sunset, wrapped in another's arms, witnessing the tired sun's glow reflected in their eyes; to roll around in fresh grass, wrestling, teasing and laughing. I want picnics and walks in parks. I want to feed the ducks. I want to share this fleeting beauty with love.
A lot must happen beforehand, though. I have to stop dwelling on the past and blaming myself for everything, keeping these pains raw and exhausting. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes. I have to let myself move on and be happy. Then when I've finally done that, I'll have to wait until someone worth sharing myself with stumbles upon me.
Its not so bad, though. I'm grateful that I won't be spending it completely alone and without love, just without solidity and safety.
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| In the midst of my confusion,
I kind of feel...good.
I'm afraid its an eye-of-the-storm kind of calm.
I don't know. Knock on wood, I guess.
Taking my driver's test Wednesday.
One step closer to leaving this place.
And...
I have to be honest.
I'm still a little hopeful...
I wish I wasn't but I am.
I don't think soon,
but I'm still kind of looking toward the future...
Which, ultimately, is as good as never.
I think its the hope that's actually killing me.
If I stopped focusing on what could be
and just focused on what I have,
things would be better.
That's what I'm working on.
Wow, I had fun last night.
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| There are so many days
where I just wake up
and the only thoughts I have
are of those times when
I could've died happy.
Then I get this overwhelming urge
to drink something from under the sink.
I start wishing I owned a gun.
(Its probably a good thing I don't.)
I think about it every day.
Not in moments of panic
or moments of sadness.
Not even when I'm specifically reminded.
Just casually.
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